I have been having trouble keeping this blog up, even though I love it, because of my schedule, and my esteemed (and often bratty) daughter Laura said I should make it a scheduled instead of a random thing.
And because my esteemed daughter Laura is often right (NOT ALWAYS right--do you hear me Laura?) I have decided to do this.
What? The blog? YES! I'm getting right to that!
So, what have I been thinking about lately?
Keeping awake (and therefore alive) while driving!
As a pastor, I give a listening ear to a lot of people, some of which are not so close to church anymore. So I must call upon the valiant Silver Bullet (my beloved Saturn S1 Coupe--see earlier blogs for photos).
I'm trying really hard to keep the Silver Bullet in good running condition for this reason. I recently had the oil changed again (4,869 miles sure goes by fast) and tires rotated. This means the car doesn't roll down the highway wanting to fade right like a defective grocery cart anymore. I did get used to that, but it sure is nice when it rolls straight! What luxury!
(And people think they need a $18,000 car to be happy! Sheeesh!)
Anyway, the ol' Silver Bullet is going a lot to New Castle and also Indianapolis lately. And this means miles.
What can one do to keep awake all those miles--driving across a pre-Spring Indiana that looks more like a nuclear test site than a land with budding trees and greening grass?
I've tried several strategies to keep awake.
I realized that keeping awake was important last summer when I was driving home from Lutheran Hospital along the ever-entertaining Highway 114. (When I say, "ever-entertaining", think of the bowling tournaments I used to have to watch on television with my father. Could anything be sadder than watching a bowling tournament)?
I was driving along on this warm day on this featureless highway and my eyes were getting heavy. I tried "shaking off" sleep by swinging my head left and right violently (I saw someone do that on an episode of "Battlestar Gallactica" once). It didn't work.
(By the way, if you see someone driving toward you swinging their head right and left violently, it doesn't necessarily mean they're having a seizure or are demon possessed. They could be shaking off sleep).
And as I drove along, my eyes getting heavier and heavier...suddenly I snapped awake just as my Saturn left the pavement, flew just a little bit and slammed down into the front yard of some people I happen to know. Apparently I had drifted across the opposite lane of traffic and jumped a very shallow ditch into their yard..
Realizing where I was, I kept the car moving through their yard and into their driveway. There I stopped, threw up, soiled my underwear, sobbed hysterically and thanked God for his mercy.
Actually, I only did that last one, but I felt like doing all the rest!
So, the problem remains--how to keep awake while driving.
The following are some of my solutions--maybe they'll help you--and the one that works for me:
- Shaking my head violently right and left (as stated above). That works, but only if you're marginally tired (and who's just marginally tired anymore? We're WAY tired!)
- Playing Christian radio. Okay, that works for awhile. The problem is, I don't like the proficiency of steel guitar in a lot of songs. That may be okay in larger cars with better speakers, but the largest speakers in my Saturn are in the door by my feet, and all I get is a lot of "WAAAA-WAAA-WAAA" and some very mumbled lyrics. I like softer music that doesn't put me on the edge of a nervous collapse. Michael Card and Twila Paris, where are you?
- Playing rock and roll. When I'm tired enough, I have tried this, but the "WAAA-WAAA-WAAA" is even worse, and the lyrics much dumber.
- Playing preaching discs or getting a radio sermon. That works when the preacher is young or good enough--but usually you get a whole lot of "why I'm preaching this sermon," and not much actual sermon.
- Douse yourself with caffeine. I haven't tried any of the energy drinks yet (I don't want to dump 5,000 calories in my system when all I'm doing is micro-adjusting a steering wheel). But I do drink Pepsi, McDonald's coffee drinks, Starbuck's coffee drinks, anyone else's coffee drinks, green tea, raspberry tea, and after a while it just loses its effectiveness. And drinking all those fluids insures that I will be stopping for a bathroom, and of course another Pepsi! Besides that, when I finally do get home, the caffeine keeps me awake half the night with my eyeballs rolling in my skull.
- Last, and the only thing that really works, is eating. It seems that, as long as I'm chewing, I can keep awake.
But at least I'm awake--and alive.
Now you know why preachers get fat.
